[twitter]Our Promotions Director, Phil Evans, got a square watermelon from Urban Fare delivered to his desk yesterday.

Watermelons are supposed to make people happy. Remind us of our youth. Send thoughts of dribbling juice running down our chin through our heads and have us imagining how far we can spit the seeds.

Instead, this watermelon has Phil pissed. Actually, it has me pissed too.

Here’s the blurb on attached to the fruit.

From around the world and around the corner, Urban Fare delivers the finest selection of fresh and exotic gourmet produce. By popular demand, we’re pleased to bring back square watermelons and Urban Fare is the only place in North America where you will find them. This rare and exotic fruit was carefully cultivated and grown in Japan, and has been imported exclusively for Urban Fare customers. Pick up this gem of a melon and make your next barbecue or summer picnic the most memorable in years.

Yup, it’s a watermelon grown in a box in Japan, placed on a boat, shipped across the Pacific and then placed on a shelf at prissy grocery stores where it is sold for … $99.

Watermelon is pretty much one of the cheapest things you can buy. 29c a pound sound like a good price? 39c? Well these origami marvels are pretty heavy, maybe 6 pounds? That makes ‘em $15/pound. Nice markup huh?

But that’s not the thing that’s pissing Phil and I off. It’s the fact there are damn fine melons grown on our farmlands. You know, melons that aren’t weighing down ships crossing the Pacific and spewing smoke.

I don’t want to go all Al Gore on your family reunion, but what’s the carbon footprint of a square sumo sized watermelon vs a goofy football shaped one from Chilliwack?

Not to mention the confusion of how you eat one.

I know how to eat round ones, but how do you eat a square one? How do you bite off chunks and pretend you have a smiley face?

It’s kind of like the Diamond Shreddies. It’s wrong. Shreddies are square, watermelons are footballs.

I used to think these vanity items were quirky and cute, but it’s 2008. I shudder at the produce aisle when I see pears from Australia or strawberries from California. I’m no environmental nazi, but when I can buy local, I will – it’s the smarter, healthier, tastier way of doing things.

So why is Urban Fare selling square watermelons? Because there are only 400 available for the entire world! Ooooh.

Go ahead, buy one for $99 and let me know if they taste better.

Wait – Phil’s got one on his desk .. oops – no he doesn’t he just sold it on eBay.